Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:68:\"Non-static method view::load_views() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:864;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:68:\"Non-static method view::db_objects() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:72:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/includes/view.inc\";s:5:\"%line\";i:1417;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:117:\"Declaration of views_handler_field_user::init() should be compatible with views_handler_field::init(&$view, $options)\";s:5:\"%file\";s:96:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/modules/user/views_handler_field_user.inc\";s:5:\"%line\";i:0;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:109:\"Declaration of views_handler_argument::init() should be compatible with views_handler::init(&$view, $options)\";s:5:\"%file\";s:90:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_argument.inc\";s:5:\"%line\";i:0;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:134:\"Declaration of views_handler_filter::options_validate() should be compatible with views_handler::options_validate($form, &$form_state)\";s:5:\"%file\";s:88:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_filter.inc\";s:5:\"%line\";i:0;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:130:\"Declaration of views_handler_filter::options_submit() should be compatible with views_handler::options_submit($form, &$form_state)\";s:5:\"%file\";s:88:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_filter.inc\";s:5:\"%line\";i:0;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:102:\"Declaration of views_plugin_style_default::options() should be compatible with views_object::options()\";s:5:\"%file\";s:93:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/plugins/views_plugin_style_default.inc\";s:5:\"%line\";i:0;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:130:\"Declaration of views_plugin_row::options_validate() should be compatible with views_plugin::options_validate(&$form, &$form_state)\";s:5:\"%file\";s:83:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/plugins/views_plugin_row.inc\";s:5:\"%line\";i:0;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:126:\"Declaration of views_plugin_row::options_submit() should be compatible with views_plugin::options_submit(&$form, &$form_state)\";s:5:\"%file\";s:83:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/plugins/views_plugin_row.inc\";s:5:\"%line\";i:0;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:154:\"Declaration of views_handler_filter_boolean_operator::value_validate() should be compatible with views_handler_filter::value_validate($form, &$form_state)\";s:5:\"%file\";s:105:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_filter_boolean_operator.inc\";s:5:\"%line\";i:0;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466453) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466454) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466454) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466454) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466454) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

Warning: Table './mentalhe_database/watchdog' is marked as crashed and should be repaired query: INSERT INTO watchdog (uid, type, message, variables, severity, link, location, referer, hostname, timestamp) VALUES (0, 'php', '%message in %file on line %line.', 'a:4:{s:6:\"%error\";s:14:\"strict warning\";s:8:\"%message\";s:62:\"Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically\";s:5:\"%file\";s:67:\"/home/mentalhealth/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module\";s:5:\"%line\";i:906;}', 3, '', 'http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/blogs/my-recovery-to-full-meaningful-life-with-schizophrenia-and-me', '', '3.233.221.149', 1582466454) in /home/mentalhealth/public_html/includes/database.mysqli.inc on line 134

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My recovery to a full meaningful life with schizophrenia and ME | Mental Healthy

My recovery to a full meaningful life with schizophrenia and ME

by

Like Charlotte, the editor of this fabulous site, I have a favourite mental health quote:

“Recovery is about building a meaningful and satisfying life, as defined by the person themselves, whether or not there are on-going or recurring symptoms or problems.” (Shepherd, Boardman and Slade 2008)

For me, this recovery has taken a generation.  Since I lost my grandmother to breast cancer at 12, and became consumed with guilt over her decision to keep it secret from the family and that I’d never managed to notice she was ill, I’ve had mental health difficulties.  When I developed chronic fatigue syndrome at 16, during A-Levels, I limped on to university, but after my first year I had the most horrid depressive breakdown, requiring attendance at a day hospital for a year. 

I would then return to college to do Media Studies and university to get a 2.1 in Journalism, and go on to work for  BBC Radio 4, Sky News Radio, cable television (as a newsreader and reporter) and to enjoy a taste of success.  But this shattered dream didn’t last long … because a national broadcaster which knew all about my ME/CFS and increasingly obvious depression and anxiety disorder turned me down for 21 consecutive contracts, and I was sectioned and attempted suicide in hospital.  I had been told paranoia-inducing tales of spies vetting journalists and monitoring the more subversive ones.  I was contacted by a very unwell gentleman in Harrogate who claimed this was widespread practice and my life was in danger. There were books about this in my local library too.

Eventually, with the help of an antipsychotic drug, a mood stabiliser, a tranquiliser, my fifth different antidepressant and some sleeping pills, I managed to gain insight and regain control of my mind, and hence life.  This psychotic episode happened 8 years ago and I was last suicidal 3 years ago. I feel, finally, a huge leap in the direction of recovery and that I have rebuilt my life to a point where it’s now meaningful, fun, full of potential and I’m optimistic that, whilst I’ll inevitably have setbacks, I’m firmly recovered.

Here's an amusing anecdote to illustrate just how far I’ve come.  Three years ago I was so suicidal I couldn’t even leave my bedroom, except for meals and ablutions.  I then had support workers taking me, one bus stop at a time, to the next village, and hailing it as a major achievement when I managed to do this on my own and meet the support worker there. I was suffering terrifying low mood attacks, panic attacks, paranoia – I was dreadfully ill.

Well last week I made my first solo unaccompanied visit into Manchester.  This went so badly wrong that nobody could possibly make this up, but yet I achieved my goal and am a happy man! 

I took the first of two trains, only to be told by the guard that it wasn’t a permitted route so I’d need to change twice at two different stations.  No panic attack at this stage … though I contemplated taking a diazepam.  After changing trains once, at the second station the electronic displays were all broken, and there were just two minutes to catch the connecting train, but as I got off the train I heard I had to get from platform 1 to 4, with the train already in the station, because of a platform alteration.  I missed it and so did everybody else.  

Panic attack!  No displays, and no staff to ask.  “What do I do now?” I thought.  Well I went up three flights of stairs, over a bridge, down three more flights of stairs, and onto platform 4 where there was a guy in bright-orange uniform. 

 “The next train to Manchester Piccadilly is the Hazel Grove train in 15 minutes,” he said, unapologetically.  Great.  Panic over I thought.  Just wait here and then I’ll soon be in Manchester for my meeting.  But then another passenger came over and said: “Actually it’s platform 3”.  So over we all went up and across and down and back almost where we started.  Then just as the train was due, I heard over the PA system: “This is a platform alteration.  The next train for Hazel Grove will depart from platform 4.”  Panic attack again.  I could see the train arriving, and I thought to myself – could I possibly, with chronic fatigue syndrome, make it back up and across that flipping bridge in time. This time I had a mild asthma attack too.  Inhaler taken, I stumbled as fast as my legs and lungs could carry me.

Well I did it, and I made my meeting in Manchester and we went to the Arndale Centre shopping afterwards as a reward.

So there you are.  Not one split-second of paranoia.  There were a couple of fairly significant panics. But without diazepam I made it into Manchester and back all alone.  Except on the way home, there was signalling cable theft on the line and I didn’t get home until 7.40pm.  There’s something to be said for learning to use public transport again when you have urges to drive into oncoming traffic like I do, sometimes even at red lights.  Trains are never dull.  They're always eventful.  And infinitely less dangerous than driving (yes the DVLA do know about my suicidal school of driving and they haven’t taken my licence off me yet -- though I haven't driven for years!).

But best of all, you always delight in finding out a little about the other passengers whose lives touched you that day, and you hope that you touched theirs a little too.  Our collective stories that day of misfortunes on British public transport should be published in an anthology.  It would sell well!

If you'd like to read more about my writing and blogging please visit my website: www.ianbirch.com or my Time to Change blog.  Thank you for sharing my journey and I hope to see you again soon.

Comments

Thanks for sharing, well done, I know first hand just how hard it can be to get over panic attacks... And getting about on public transport. I look foreward to you boots, K x

Hi K. Thanks for your kind words. I hope that you too are coming to terms with your panic attacks and problems with public transport. Both can be extremely difficult to cope with. Good luck! Ian x

A really positive and uplifting account of what must have been a terribly difficult few years. You have a real talent for writing from the heart. Good luck with your new life.

Thank you so much.  I hope my recovery will inspire others battling with mental distress and I'm so pleased you feel I write from the heart! All the best.

What a truly inspiring and beautifully honest blog Ian, I look forward to many more, Charlotte

Charlotte it is a privilege to work for you. Thank you so much for your kind and generous words and I look forward to writing many more blogs for you! Ian

Great start Ian, poignant and funny! Cheers, Alison

That's very kind Alison.  I'm delighted you enjoyed my post. Take care, Ian.

Great post mate - loving the sense of humour - keep it up!

Cheers mate.   Working on my next blog this weekend.  Hope you enjoy it too!

i AM A CARER. iT IS DESIRABLE /ESSENTIAL THAT CARERS KNOW ALL THEY CAN ABOUT SCHIZOPHRENIA, WHICH WILL HELP THE PATIENT, AND RELIEVE THEIR OWN ANXIETIES, AND ALSO GIVE BETTER UPPORT..SCHIZOPHRENIA CAN BREAK UP FAMILIES BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF UNDERSTANDING OF OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS.IT IS DIFFICULT FOR THEM TO GET INFORMATION ABOUT THE CONDITION, OR TO UNDERSTAND IT, AND CONFIDENTIALITY MAKES THIS EVEN HARDER. I WOULD ASK THE PATIENT TO GIVE THEIR CONSENT IN WRITING AS TO WHO THEY WISH TO KNOW OF THEIR DIAGNOSIS, AS IF THEY HAVE A BREAKDOWN IT IS DIFFICULT FOR THE CARER TO GET ASSISTANCE FOR THEM. THIS WOULD MEAN MAKING A NOTE IN THEIR MEDICAL NOTES TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR THE PROFESSIONALS AND EASIER FOR THE PATIENT TO GET SUPPORT IN A CRISIS. IF THERE IS ANY PARTICULAR REASON THAT THE PATIENT DOES NOT WANT THE CARER TO KNOW, THEN THAT TOO COULD BE RECORDED.
Schizophrenia means broken minded, nothing to do with what anything anyone has got or not got. Minds are not broken, they just sometimes rarely and sometimes continually suffer from nutrient and oxygen deficits, inflammation and diseases, shock and physical damage, and in response produce too much dopamine so that basic functions are not interrupted. Too much dopamine also causes people to mix up their thinking processess and language, and to make mistakes in judging situations. This can lead to dreadful experiences including criminial experiences so people having a hard time need to be helped, looked after, not allowed to harm. All patients need a clear diagnosis, written and available for everyone concerened to see, but also one agreed by the patient, and along with the necessary mediciens and their side effects, and what should be done to get them better. But the diagnosis of schizophrenia is idiocy because it leaves the patient in a non causal limbo and without a meaningful description of what is wrong, what caused it and what could pit things right.
Sad that the Medical Profession has yet to realise that Schizophrenia is a spiritual problem caused by childhood abuse which allows human spirits to possess the body of the abused! Drug therapy suppressing symptoms does help to make life manageable for some sufferers,but it cannot and never will produce a cure since it does not address the real problem! Even sadder all the time, money, and effort that goes into research:None of which has ever come close to an answer to the condition and just seems to come up with more and more complex theories. Meanwhile Schizophrenics and their families continue to suffer and societies worldwide bear the cost! For some further understanding suggest looking at two websites: www.spiritrescueandrelease.com www.shamanagainstchildabuse.com