My constant battle against suicide and suicidal thoughts


Lonestar - Amazed

Suicidal and Paranoid Ideation

I have touched upon my suicidal and paranoid thoughts in previous blogs, and a couple of weeks ago I had strong suicidal thoughts again and am still suffering mild ones this weekend and I wanted to blog about what it is that has kept me safe and prevented me from making attempts on my life for more than 8 years now – when I planned the last day of my life in fine detail and ended up in hospital, only to attempt to take my life in private on the ward the next day: when I was supposed to be on 24/7 suicide watch.

For me, “suicidal ideation” – the concept of thoughts of suicide that are triggered off by life events and stresses – almost never comes with intent.  Yes, in hospital, and the day I planned my death, I believed that the country’s most powerful spies had decided to psychologically torture and kill me through psychotic illness, and this is what led me to plan, in minute detail, my last day.

When I planned "the last day of my life"

I drove (note to self – NEVER drive if suicidal – it is both highly dangerous and irresponsible and also dangerous to other road users) to a favourite woodland picnic spot, with a waterfall, and lots of dogs and children playing, and had an ice cream.  I took delight in wandering round the woodland, admittedly in a daze, and stopping off to marvel at the waterfall.  In the summer/autumn months, it flows freely and there is a viewing platform which is popular with locals and tourists alike.

Being a responsible mental health journalist and blogger, I’m not going to share my plans as to how I then prepared to kill myself, nor what I did in hospital.  This was quite innovative and not only might it be triggering (it is for me, and this is a very tough blog to write) but there is every chance that somebody, somewhere, reading this, might be in a really vulnerable state and attempt something I have mentioned.   I am a regular donor, supporter, and user of Samaritans, and I fully endorse their guidelines on the reporting of suicides in the media – I just wish more journalists were like me.  Maybe if they’d made attempts like I have, and lost friends to suicide too, like I have, they would be.

Depressed man black and white

My mood is generally quite low – often as little as 3 or 4 out of 10, and on average 5/10.  It rarely goes above.  I can laugh and joke when I’m that low, and even when I was in a state of suicidal compulsions for five months, 3 years ago, when the NHS wouldn’t believe me or take any action (“because there’s no intent”), I didn’t try anything. This was deadly serious – I can’t tell you what I was compelled to do although I in a future related blog you may be able to work this out - I even got my mum to drive me up to the hospital with an overnight bag, but there were no beds and they refused even home treatment.

However sharing my traumas in hospital and my “last day” are not why I am writing this blog.  It’s to give you hope if you, too, suffer ongoing suicidal ideation - because for 8 years now I haven’t made a single attempt on my life.  I have an NHS crisis plan and am working on an advance statement in an attempt to ensure that next time my life is in danger I am taken seriously by the NHS and listened to, and action is taken.  I’ve been potentially at risk 3 times in the last 3 months – if you noted the choice of song from YouTube you should be able to work out why – but with “PRN” medication (diazepam and zopiclone) taken when required, at low doses, and with the intervention of the NHS and Samaritans, and yes my mum, brother, best friend, and loyal, supportive colleagues, I have fought my way out of the depression and back to normality.

So many reasons why suicide is NOT the answer:

There are so many reasons I want to share with you why suicide is not the answer:

  • It’s usually a permanent solution to a temporary problem e.g. relationships, redundancy
  • No method of suicide is guaranteed and most have dire long-term consequences
  • You will cause lifelong pain to your loved ones, friends, colleagues and so many others
  • If you’re seeking to get revenge on somebody, you won’t be around to see them get hurt
  • “This too will pass” – most disabilities/health difficulties improve over time, even if “incurable”
  • If, like me, you have no relationship right now, this doesn’t mean you are unlovable or will never form another relationship
  • There is no such thing as a "safe dose" of medication

Things you can do to minimise the chances that you will make an attempt on your life include:

  • Putting together a crisis plan and following it – it should be in three stages – green, amber and red – act on your early warning signs and seek help as early as possible in your relapse
  • Confide in someone you trust – you can always ring Samaritans on 08457 909090 in the UK
  • If you feel you cannot stop yourself harming yourself you should dial 999/112 in the UK and ask for both the police and an ambulance immediately or get yourself to A&E (but DO NOT drive)
  • If you have a crisis team or other NHS number you should call that as early as possible
  • If you’re overseas, see “Befrienders” below and “International Emergency Numbers”

And there are far more detailed guidelines on what do to if you are suicidal in the links below or how you can help someone who is feeling suicidal, or is at risk of doing so.

For me, suicidal ideation is an on-going part of my condition and it’s a really, really tough call for the NHS to make, as to what action needs to be taken. As my team constantly explain, even if there’s intent that doesn’t necessarily mean there’ll be an admission to hospital – resources are tight, and where I live a big expansion plan for a major new multi-ward mental health hospital has just been ditched because of Tory NHS changes. There have also been reports of 140 redundancies among mental health nurses, county-wide.

In my opinion, the risk of suicide is just too severe to dismiss as “no intent” and discharge.   There were reports in my local newspaper of a businessman who took his own life after being turned away by a local A&E department just last week.  I was totally gutted and if it weren’t for the comments on the local newspaper website from family friends – along with the typically thoughtless, mindless, idiotic comments that the public always post when somebody tragically takes their own life – I would have reported it for Mental Healthy. 

Sometimes as a journalist you have to make that judgement – however prominent the person is, if you’re going to cause even more distress to someone’s family and friends maybe it’s best simply to leave it unreported.  I’ve covered three inquests for the BBC – all suicides – and I can tell you nothing has ever, in my professional life, devastated me so much.  To come face-to-face, in the same room, as the bereaved family of a loved one – well it meant I always refused to do the “death knock” and interview bereaved families after any death on my patch and this didn’t win me friends in high places in newsrooms across the North of England.  “We’re journalists, not social workers Ian!” was one BBC news editor’s response to this. Thankfully I no longer work for the BBC and have a new life working in the mental health journalism sector - full of kind, caring, compassionate and gentle colleagues and bosses, interviewees and readers.

Thank you so much for sharing my journey and please read the links below if you, or someone you know, is in potentially suicidal distress or going through an otherwise distressing emotional time:

Important suicide prevention information:

  • Samaritans - call 08457 909090)

It may also be very useful to find a local charity running a WRAP or "Wellness Recovery Action Planning" group - I completed one last year with local Mind and it forms the basis of my NHS crisis plan.  For more information see:


You are a brave, wonderful man. I learn from you every time I read your blogs. You made me cry. I also feel blessed to know you and the benefit that I get from the insight you give us is just invaluable.
Thank you

Hi Liz.  I know you tried to call me a couple of times tonight and I hope reading my blog wasn't distressing for you.  I too feel blessed to know you and Charlotte and truly when I say I believe I am safe I mean it. I hope my insights into my illness will be both beneficial and inspiring like Charlotte's blog and I'm so proud to know both of you personally.

Like Charlotte says, sometimes you have to dance in the rain -- I intend to keep on dancing right through 'till old age!

Take care, Ian.

Wow, thank you so much for being so open, honest and inspiring. I am sure you will touch the hearts of those who too feel like you have and do.

I remember when I was giving up smoking a 'non-smoker' said to me, 'how hard can it be? You'll be fine!" I wanted to shout 'And how the hell do you know?'. To reach people who are going through this, you have to have been there - and while it is a hard and cold place to be at times, I believe there are people who go through hardship for a reason - to help others, and you are one of these inspiring people.

You are strong, creative, intelligent and caring enough to share your experience with others and I am very pleased you have - very brave Ian - well done!

Thanks Charlotte, for both this reply and for your continued support and kindness throughout this difficult time for me.  I am truly blessed to know you and your mum, Liz.

I really do hope that by sharing how I manage to survive bouts of suicidal ideation this will help others and I feel stronger after our phone calls and emails and determined that one day I will have the fulfilling relationship I so desire and deserve -- like everyone else.

A public congratulations here on "mumpreneur" - I really hope you win.  I was thrilled when you told me and wish you the very best of luck.  Take care, I.

Great post Ian!

I understand where you are coming from. I recall, at the age of fifteen, seperating my possessions into piles: one for each member of my family. I remember the note I wrote; full ofd regret and the paper stained with tears. I counted all the pills in my hand. But I could not do it. And I am so glad you fight the urges.

Great links.

Thank you Ian for talking about this.


Hi Natalie

Thanks for your kind words. I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences of planning suicide and so glad that you couldn't do it.  You made me shed a tear thinking about you crying all over your note.

I saw your webcam video on your new blog and thought it was great. You have a such a rich experience of mental illness and it's great you are able to share.  You've had a really tough life but you're a true ambassador for mental health.

Thanks for commenting and take care.


Thank you for your blog, I will read your reasons for not committing suicide when I am next overwhelmed by the desire to end it all. I struggle with getting my local service to take me seriously when my suicidal ideations are strong. Like you I can laugh, joke and smile even when very down and planning my suicide behind the scenes. Two years ago I was admitted to ICU critically I'll following a near successful suicide attempt. Despite that, the most recent time I was admitted to my local hospital in summer 2011 I managed to make a number of attempts in hospital. At the time I was on 5 minute observations. More shockingly, even though I was still actively suicidal, I was taken of level 2 observations (where you have a nurse with you at all times) because they only had one nurse of my gender on duty! Your blog gives me hope and strength, thank you.
re going camping for long periods of energy, LED lights are a good choice because your batteries will last longer. The kill should be cleaned and cooked properly to professional specifications. For that, they become effective nighttime safety precautionary devices in the event the need arises on special military projects so when sniping. Also visit my web-site :: best law enforcement flashlight
OK, just spent fifteen minutes writing about how close I've come to killing myself, but then was reminded by you about the Samaritans' guide on reporting suicides so I've just deleted most of the detail I'd written. What's prompting me to write, now, is your comment "For me, suicidal ideation is an on-going part of my condition and it’s a really, really tough call for the NHS to make, as to what action needs to be taken". I have been obsessed with suicide for years; I've thought about it, researched it, and prepared for it (checking out locations, buying items and testing them). But you know what? Although I don't want to be alive, I don't want to kill myself right now (refer to a subset of your reasons why it's not the answer). BUT my flirting with suicide is dangerous; acting out what I'd do, but stopping at the last minute, could have (might yet) cause me serious harm or accidental death. It's a dilemma for me, because I want/need help (and yes I'm getting it - slowly) but I don't want to appear manipulative by simply threatening suicide just to get priority treatment on the NHS. You're absolutely right, and the situation reminds me of the regular challenge that social workers must have; damned if they follow one course of action, and damned if they don't, when they're strapped for cash. As I was saying to somebody last week, working in the Mental Health field has got to be so challenging because people can be very very good at hiding true feeling, they can lie, then can exaggerate for attention, and their moods can swing at a moment's notice. I told the NHS I've been suicidal in the past and that it's probably inevitable that's how I'll die (and would have done so already if it weren't for X); I also said I thought I needed a crisis plan. Have I got one? No. Have I subsequently done really stupid things that could easily have led to brain damage or accidental death through asphyxia? Yes. I didn't think about the Samaritans (they may be brilliant but I've never used them and so for some reason didn't believe they'd help much; do they try to dissuade you or are they just there to talk with?), the couple of friends I could confide in were out, and I didn't have a crisis number so - because I'd fortunately got some pills to help with my sleeping - I popped one of those and waited an hour because I didn't otherwise trust myself to be alone and awake. Am I rambling? Maybe. I guess I'm saying that I'm obsessed with suicide; I still think it's the most likely way I'll leave this world; I don't intend to do it quite yet; I'm pretty scared that my flirting with it could lead to serious harm to myself; I've told the NHS and they obviously need to make judgement calls; I'm still alive so maybe they've got it right, but I could have died in which case ... who knows? Preventing 100% of suicides would be too costly wouldn't it? Risk-based decisions don't totally eliminate bad stuff, they reduce it based on risk and cost and other decisions. I have so much sympathy for mental health workers and the triage they have to do with the resources that they have. As for me, I'm going to reraise my recent behaviour at my next appointment, and maybe give more consideration to calling the Samaritans next time if I don't get a crisis plan (either that or using a sleeping pill to knock me out for a while). And yes - definitely - driving while suicidal is not good, not least because of accidentally harming others in an accident.
Ah, me again, have just read this earlier post: "I struggle with getting my local service to take me seriously when my suicidal ideations are strong. Like you I can laugh, joke and smile even when very down and planning my suicide behind the scenes." How very true. I left work one Friday, planning to do something rather stupid and dangerous, and found that my dad had popped into my house to drop something off. We sat and talked for about fifteen minutes, planning what we'd do for my mum's birthday the following month. Then, the moment my dad left, I changed out of my office clothes and went out to my garage to do bad stuff. He had no idea of my mood; none at all. Ok it's different with the NHS mental services where I'm happy to share my thoughts, but I'm quiet and don't want to exaggerate or 'over-egg the cake' as it were and make myself out as worse than I am; plus I've no idea whether my ideation IS really bad, or simply 'par for the course' for somebody who's depressed. Having said that, though, I'm not even sure whether I'd use a crisis plan if I had one; that's got to require a bit of self-discipline, right? But I'm darned sure that I will need particular help and attention at some point in the future, and want to be on their radar so that I AM taken seriously when it DOES really matter.
Hi it's Ian but I'm not logged in as I'm not on my own computer. It sounds to me from your two posts as though you are quite pre-occupied with suicide at present and this is of great concern to me. You have said that you feel that one day suicide will be the method that you almost inevitably will die from and this must be extremely frigthening. Can I ask, please follow the links and advice in this blog -- you can call Samaritans on 08457 909090 and, no, they won't just try to talk you out of it -- they will explore all options with you but with the aim of reducing suicide. They will give you the space to explore the issues you have raised in your comments. I am concerned about your welfare and would suggest that you speak to someone from the NHS Crisis Team and explain how you are feeling to them in order that they can most properly assess what risks there may be to you in the near future and don't take no for an answer next time you need admission. It is a source of great regret to me that you were taken off level 2 obs because of a staffing issue. Even after I made my attempt in hospital, I was not placed on level 2 obs, so you can understand that this is something that I feel deeply personally about. Look after yourself, feel free to continue to post to this page, and next time you feel unable to maintain your safety please do all you can to ensure the NHS take you seriously. It's NOT inevitable that you will die by suicide. I, after 3 years, have now finally stopped feeling suicidal and have regained stability. I haven't been up to A&E for 3 years nor admitted. Please have faith that it IS possible with the right support to make a recovery -- and don't attempt anything on the basis that life will never improve. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. We care about you at Mental Healthy and your welfare and do keep in touch. All my best, Ian
Hi Ian. Thanks for replying. Sorry if this ends up being a late response from me, but I may wait to post it from the library (where, in fact, I was passing some time researching suicide when I stumbled upon your page). Sorry also if my previous message may have been misleading; I've never actually been on suicide watch. But yes I've had suicidal thoughts for years (I can track them back to the 1990s) and my depression has worsened over the last couple of years. My comment about the inevitability of my death by suicide was based on my own detached view of myself, how I have been, how I am now, and how I am likely to be given future challenges that life throws at me. And yes I told the NHS I've been suicidal, and that I see my death by suicide as pretty inevitable, and that I think I need a crisis plan - but I guess they would struggle if every depressed person said "I am high risk so I need lots of attention" (verging on Munchausen?) so it must often be a very tricky call. It's easy for me to wallow in thoughts of suicide which then become almost a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I think I've partly come to use thoughts of suicide as some kind of comfort blanket, except through counselling I've grown to realise that's not normal nor good and that there are reasons for living if only I can get myself sorted and find them. Yes the suicide ideation and rehearsal isn't good, plus I've developed an obsession with self harm and THAT is frightening when you're alone late at night and it ends up being a tremendous struggle of willpower to stop yourself. I put the Samaritans' number in my phone several years ago, recognising I might need it one day. They sound more worthwhile calling than I'd realised, although of course it's always hard to know how inclined you'll feel when the moment comes (even, presumably, with an NHS crisis plan). A few weeks ago, having done something silly and being worried about it escalating, I took the sleeping pill after finding none of my trusted friends were around; the next time, luckily, I was able to get in touch with one and she stayed with me all evening. I'd love to articulate the lengths I've gone to, in preparation for suicide, but obviously it's not a sensible thing to post and anyway I need to be convincing my mental health worker rather than just posting it here! I do have the Samaritans' number, and another mental health appointment already booked for the very near future, so should be ok for now and hopefully heading in the right direction to be ok for a very long time! Thanks again for your response.
oSaGh7 Say, you got a nice article.Really thank you! Really Cool.
Thank you i myself suffer daily for recent choices past decisions and my everyday life i grew up in a bad invironment n suffer greatly for things ive done reading this will get me threw another day my question is if death is inevitable why is it wrong to speed up the process why am i selfish i think its everyone else that is selfish because they dont want what will make me happy noone knows what death is like maybe its better on the other side
Thanks for the reminders of why I shouldn't commit suicide.
First of all allow me to express my sympathy for your pain and problems. While I obviously cannot know exactly what life has been like for you I do recognise much of what you’ve written. Wanting to die when things are sufficiently bad is quite natural to me and I don’t get why it’s supposed to be irrational: once you’re dead it’s unlikely your conscienceness will survive (barring the completely unproven hypothesis of the soul which to me seems to stem from the fear of death so wishful thinking) so you’ll be perfectly safe from harm, malice, worry and pain of any sort. As with a lot of things this was most admirably expressed by the Bard: “Duncan is in his grave, after life’s fitful fever he sleeps well.” (Macbeth, Act 3, Scene 2) I believe this really is the crux of the matter: this life is inherently painful (for some far more than others, unfortunately) and death the release of all suffering. I don’t get this society’s innane ideology of progress and its insane affirmation of life while it’s so abundantly clear to anyone with the least bit of life experience coupled with a working brain that it is indeed a grave mistake and a burden on those who have to suffer through it. People who are happy (at least that’s what they claim) seem to me like mentally deficient individuals who are blind to the dark side of life (even if they themselves are genuinly happy surely they must see there’s so much misery of every kind around them: how can a moral person not be affected by that?) and who go through life like children, never truly growing up. I don’t get why people would feel they need to be protected against themselves: the two times I tried to end my life I was in a state of mind that now seems to be quite alien to me although the thought of death and suicide have never left me. The first time I was quite young (the folly of youth, luckily I’ve outgrown it), the second time I was basically poisened by a quack psychiatrist who prescribed me an antipsychotic (although I’ve never had delusions or hallucinations of any kind, not ever, and was ‘diagnosed’ – what’s in a name? troubles of the mind are always subjective and there simply isn’t a test that would qualify a psychiatric label as a genuine medical diagnosis – as having major depression) which basically eradicated my free will and put me in a zombie like trance in which I’ve hurt myself in a way that’s both shameful and foolish since it would be obvious to any thinking person it would never kill me. Truly that man harmed me more than anyone in this world and for a supposed professional and medical doctor this is truly inexusable (then again psychiatry is a quack discipline and there’s no reliable science behind virtually anything they do). As one who has toyed with Buddhism and thus the concept of karma I hope he gets what he deserves although in this sad, horrendous world this rarely seems to happen. Anyway, I’m quite certain I’ll die by my own hand: this thought is quite reassuring and not troubling at all. I’ve accepted my life is a failure (not that this reflects badly on my character: I’ve always tried to do what was right, I just had a lot of crap to deal with and only a fool would deny outside influences play a major part in the course of one’s life) and that suicide is the sane, rational way of dealing with it. My self-respect remains quite high: I do not deserve this cruel fate and I’m educated enough to know non-christian (or monotheistic for that matter) cultures regarded this matter in quite a different light and it was often seen as quite moral, just and honourable. What I deserve, absent the possibility of happiness, is peace and this will be the final gift to myself. Your list seems rather silly to me: if my problems were indeed trivial and transient I would have found ways to deal with them long ago but alas poor Yorick this is not the case. Choosing a method that is reliable is indeed a valid concern but I’ve got that pretty much taken care of. My family isn’t worthy of any consideration at all (my parents are basket cases and my brothers rather unpleasant people to say the least) and my friends will understand, or at least respect, my decision once they’ve read and digested the letter I’ll write to them. In closing: I do not seek sympathy or attention (both of which are quite empty I’ve found), I merely expressed my opinion on your article. The best of luck to you and those who read this. I’m assuming shiny happy people wouldn’t normally stumble upon an article like this so if life has been rotten for you you have my sympathy. For what’s it’s worth (very little I imagine).
Yesterday was an especially dark day for me, I suffer with this darkness quite often. All day I was thinking about suicide and the depressed feelings were so intense I felt like I was hollow. Reading through your blog I found that you have been feeling this way for 8 years, my heart clenched a little. I thought about my own length of time, adding up to at least 10 years, my earliest memories of suicidal thinking/attempts I was in my pre teens. But it has gotten worse in these last 2-3 years especially. However I feel less alone after reading this. As for so long I thought I was fundamentally broken and that most people dont suffer chronic suicidal thinking, I stand corrected. Its hard to talk about because there is shame, and also fear associated with these frequent thoughts. In fact a handful of times when I have opened up about it, it scared people out of my life. But for me it has become such a normal part of my daily existence, I don't see it in the same light. There is also the fear that I will be taken to the psych unit imediately. Here in america, you are put into the hospital on a police hold if you even mention suicide. I find that my own suicidal thoughts come in when I have alot more idle time on my hands. Its kind of a deadly duo with depression, as depression keeps me stagnant not wanting to do much. But even when I put things into my schedule and remain active, I suffer with the suicidal thinking. I see a therapist on a weekly basis and even then I only get momentary relief. I am working hard therapuetically to maintain long term stability, but it almost seems impossible sometimes- even when I make progress. I dont know what its like to live without severe mental illness, just when I think Ive had some time off, or that I refuse to identify with internal struggling- it comes back through the cracks...seeping into my reality But, through hard work in therapy it has lessened in intensity. And I am wondering how are you doing now? This post was from a few years back. Have you reached a different reality yourself? I hope you are well.
Stumbled on this whilst looking for help online. But realistically, if you/I frequently experience suicidal feelings then why not just get it over with? I am a well educated woman who has constantly battled suicidal thoughts, anxiety and depression. I've had crisis treatment, counselling and many other forms of treatment however having to almost be in some form of treatment throughout my life is exhausting and I just wish I was dead. It is traumatic for loved ones but quite frankly I'd rather not exist than have to lead a selfless life trying to battle to stay around just to keep my loved ones happy.
I also suffer from anxiety and depression and know what you're feeling. There's no so called reason as to why we want to die, and the advice to think of our loved ones only makes us want to finish it even quicker. Sometimes, for some unknown reason, it's our loved ones that make me what to end it, not make me want to carry on. It's as if I feel I'm actually doing them a favour because I feel I've let them down anyway and am worthless. Let's hope there is a solution to our negative thoughts before our thoughts become a reality.
Talk with someone every day, preferably face to face. Though you feel like withdrawing, ask trusted friends and acquaintances to spend time with you. Or continue to call a crisis helpline and talk about your feelings.Nice article Thanks for posting it.
Also, avoid self absorbed passive-aggressive people who would rather use guilt to manipulate you into staying alive for them, when you are (probably) in misery. Staying with these people will most likely make the perceived problem "worse".Seek help from whoever you feel comfortable talking with.
I have had suicidal thoughts since I was about 13 years old. I attempted a few times and once almost succeeded. I would have left my 5 year old daughter without a father. I am having the same feeling now and don't know why. Everything seems fine in my life, apart from normal stressful life problems, but I can't wait to die; it's like looking forward to Christmas. Perhaps writing on here may be somewhat cathartic but the thoughts 'never' leave me no matter how my life is. I just wish they would go. I honestly believe my death will be a suicide in the next few years, and I don't even know why. I know full well how I will hurt everyone around me, and it's such a selfish thought, but I am so tired of life. The funny thing is, I am a Parliamentary Candidate in the elections today and could be an MP by Friday - still I want to die. This is a horrible feeling to always have to live with. just told my story.I "can't wait to die." "Its like waiting for Christmas." My life is ok but I dream of death.I'm so tired of life..not really suicidal but it gives me great comfort to think about it.I even have a couple of what I hope are foolproof methods.Certainly ,it has to be made to appear accidental.This is how I make it through the days...I just think about my options..there's always a way out. Strangely , it is a great comfort to me to know that I can check out at any time.In a way..I think it helps me stick around. Thank you for hearing me out.
Hi Anonymous, not much has changed for me, except I wasn't elected to parliament in May 2015 but still have constant thoughts of wanting to die. I have a wonderful family and nothing majorly stressful in my life. The only thing I suppose is what I actually think of myself and what I feel others must think of me. That is, when I was much younger I felt I would be an achiever in life but now feel a massive 'under-achiever' and that I am now a burden to those around me. They may not think that of me but I think that of myself... a sense of no self-worth. If I feel that, then how can I really think that anyone else thinks any higher of me? If I feel I am worth nothing at all then why prolong everyone's agony? I may feel that friends and family will grieve at my death but they will get over it pretty quickly. I genuinely hope that you find a reason to want to live but can understand if that reason is so hard to find.
Your “Mental Imagery” is Not Imaginary – An Important Emotional Insight Imagination is one of the keystones of the human mind (May be Conscious, Sub Conscious or Unconscious). It is not only the medium of creativity but also a uniquely expressive language of the truth. To understand this powerful language, you must make a clear distinction between “Imagery” and “Imaginary”, This is what a Health Coach or a Life CoachSuggests. “Imaginary” is a creation lacking any truth, fact or reality. Although possibly pleasant (or not), it is basically a mistaken perception – a flight of fancy. “Imagery” on the other hand, is a potent symbolic shortcut to deep meaning and complex understandings. As is often said, “One picture is worth a thousand words”…and your mind is filled with pictures. The earliest forms of written communication were pictograms, symbols that reflected the fact and substance of experience. Seen in the mind’s eye, crude symbols were made to demonstrate what was known but unspoken. This rich “Imagery” populates the Subconscious Mind and is a living bridge between the Conscious and Unconscious Mind. It is the “dreamtime” of our waking life. Imagery wears but a very thin mask and is willing to tell honestly otherwise risky truths. With a wink and a twist, it avoids the shield of our deflecting lies and whispers to us what we already know but often deny. The wisdom of the Subconscious Mind is never far away and with just a few constructs to frame your Creative Imagery, you can be both shocked and relieved as to what Emotional insight awaits you. People in our life become characters in our imagination. In the language of Creative Imagery, these people – their names, faces and voices – take on the roles of representing facets of our own personality. In a sense, they are actors cast to play very specific roles in the story of our lives. When put on the “stage” constructed by your mental imagery, they come to life and speak the scripts written by you, the author of your own story. The Emotional Insight App by guides you into a series of encounters with your own Subconscious Mind. Characters and their messages await you there. Each and every one of them is still actually you, yourself, but wearing the costume and mask of significant persons that populate your life. It is surprisingly easy to have them appear and speak intimately with you. The understandings may be shocking and revelatory or…a simple fact you have known all along but resisted accepting, until now. In the Emotional Insight app, the Creative Imagery process allows you to explore your Subconscious Mind for understandings and action strategies to help resolve a Current Issue or challenge. There is also Spontaneous Insight to explore your Conscious Mind and Secrets & Lies to explore your Unconscious Mind. Visit to get the App, and Be True to Yourself!!
I found it quite ironic that you won't post how were going to commit your suicide and find it very responsible that you didn't. I found it ironic though, because I have a death letter saved on my computer. This letter of mine specifically calls for not releasing my exact cause of death because like you, my method is also on the creative side. It would also be accessible to anyone for less than $20 and have very high success rate. Anyone that has researched suicide knows what the percentage of most suicide attempts end in death. That being said I'm sure someone could figure out what I'm talking about. It's sad because I never thought I could find my method for so cheap and so inconspicuous. In the sickest way possible, I almost take comfort in finding my preferred way so accessible. That being said, like you, I wish to be a journalist one day and help people instead of causing them more pain. I won't make any promises because these thoughts have only been growing stronger while my depression and anxiety have decreased. So my medication works, just with the added benefits of sexual dysfunction and intense suicidal thoughts. To anyone reading this, live a healthy physical life. That's the only reason I've been able to control these thoughts for as long as I have. I hope peace comes to all of you before death.
I am 60 and have been battling suicidal thoughts since 1980. I have been on lithium, numerous anti-depressants, lamictal. Recently I got an toothache and so was taking 600mg of Ibprofen. There was inflammation in my body and the Ibprofen decreased significantly. My suicidal thoughts have decreased also. I think this is due to less swelling in the brain and the Ibprofen dialating my blood vessels.
Great if it worked for you, but no evidence for this generally that I can find. I'm very near the end of tolerating my thoughts and am desperate for something I've not yet tried in 4 years of intense treatment
I too am 60 and with 4 years of severe depression and suicidal thinking. I had ect a year ago and so had to inform the dvla, so now have a 1 year driving licence, but am concerned that I will lose my drivinglicence as my suicidal thinking and severe depression continues. Has anyone else been stopped from driving due to suicidality? I accept the increase in risk due to poor concentration and awareness, but anticipate losing my licence will increase my suicidality and I am desperately trying to hang on for the sake of my family.
I too go through suicidal thoughts usually on a day on day off basis I have been fighting misery of 40 years I haven't had a good start loneliness is my trigger I need to stay away from but you feel safe when your hidden it's like the light At the end of the tunnel being switched off and on and some days I feel hopeless but when you read people blog like Ian you don't feel so alone for a while Thank you ian for your inspiration Allan
You've just saved my life. Thank you x
I suffer from suicidal ideation everyday. I can't cope. I just want to end my life. I am 31 and have been like this for at least 14years. I have tried everything including psychotherapy which has made me worse. Can't cope and have no where to turn. Wish I could die quickly and soon. Anxiety and stress and embarrassment has destroyed my life. I can never do anything without having problems. I can't fix any of my problems and people around me cause me more problems than what I started with.
Thanks for this article. I have had chronic suicidal thoughts since my preteens, almost 20 years now. they go away with antidepressants but these make me sleepy and gain weight. i rarely have moments with true intent but constantly think about the peace of being dead. im a very smart lady and my mind burdens me. i see everything at a meta level and am constantly analyzing what i see. i see no way humanity can fix itself and wonder what my role is in a world with humans being creatures between animals and gods. i see no purpose in trying to improve the world and have given up believing in human progress at all.
I posted in May, but have continued to deteriorate despite treatment. I see no hope and no way out. I have a lovely family and this will be terrible for them.
Like others who have written here I too have been having suicidal thoughts since my teen years. I am now two months from my 42 birthday and, thinking back, I can't remember a time when I didn't have suicidal thoughts. I have tried mixing pills and alcohol inthe hopes of quietly dying in my sleep, but that of course didn't work. I don't yet have the guts to go a step further than pills and alcohol, which is frustrating because I desperately need a way out.
I have read what people have written about themselves and why they feel suicidal but one quality they do not not recognise in themselves is strength they want to give in but they don't that takes courage I lost my mum my mother in law my brother in law and2 pets in the last5 years I have wanted to give up because of this I allow myself to have dark days and thoughts as well as uplifting thoughts. Because I acknowledge the dark thoughts it does not make me twisted or weird it means that to me I am seeing the whole picture I give into the depression when it overwhelms me because when on days I do not feel as bad I realise I have control of how I deal with it take care care of yourselves eat well if possible give in sometimes other times let it wash over you find a way to handle your situation which is unique to you because that is what we all are Unique
I want to kill myself because I'm not intelligent. I have social anxiety due to poor intelligence making people uncomfortable around me which has caused me to avoid people and they avoid me too. I don't enjoy life and spend the majority of the day at work or at home wishing I was dead. All day no matter if at work, home watching tv, mowing the yard, doesnt matter I'm constantly thinking about dying and getting this over with. I've prayed but doesn't help. I should be on disability but I'm embarrassed to see a doctor. Being around people makes me hate myself because they treat me differently. I really don't know how much more I can take. Sorry I'm stressed out and needed to type this, I don't have anyone I feel comfortable to talk to about this.
Hi. I am a mum of a young person who is suffering severely mentally and I read this blog to gain some insight into how best to support. I also would like mental pain to be understood by more professionals as on a par with physical pain. I am so pleased that you have reached out rather than killing yourself as you are full of potential as well as in pain. I just wanted you to know that intelligence can be grown. Have you thought about taking a course about something that you are interested in? - and disclosing mental health difficulties so you get college support. That has helped some people I know. Can someone help you will the disability application? - it is such a lot of forms! I hope you wont give up until you have tried EVERYTHING.
HI there, I just wanted you to know as an outsider reading your words you are a very intelligent person both academically (brilliant expressive use of words) and emotionally (in touch with your feelings). If people are treating you badly it is a reflection on them not on you. you have a lot to offer this world and yourself and I sincerely hope you find the strength and peace you need to live a happier life. God bless x
It's a bit like a blog. I first wrote on here in May and then again in September. I'm obviously still alive but battling the suicidal thoughts every waking minute of every day. Nothing seems to help. Guilt and regret fuel it all and ruminations. I'm isolating myself, not exercising and getting physically weak. It seems like there no end to this. It was started by a financial advisor messing up my pension big time, but I can't put it behind me. It's ridiculous, but killing me and will be really terrible for my family.
I am so sorry you are going through this x
Until tonight I thought I was the only one in the world who suffered like this. I too have dealt with suicidal thoughts daily for as long as I can remember. I am the queen of disquising it so that no one knows I struggle. To reach out, especially when I really don't think it would help, would mean my seemingly perfect little world would crumble. This would just eccelerate things. I am very certain that suicide will take me some day but when I have no idea. There is no way to prepare my friends and family. I just hope they understand the pain that I spared them over the years by hiding and fighting this battle alone.
Me again, just wondering, since I now know there are others like me out there, if there are any blogs or anything like this out there??
1. If you say so 2. Actually, a gunshot to the head using a rifle, if done in the right area, is about 99% fatal from what I've heard (also, see the Budd Dwyer incident) If a person really wants to die then they'd do their research. In my opinion if they don't then clearly they don't really want to die now do they 3. Lifelong pain to people who love you. Fair enough, but what if secretly your family/"friends" don't really like you very much? I know this is a negative perspective and, well, sometimes seeing things as they really are can be too painful for some people, but there are cases of nobody having anyone who really cares about them or would care much if they were dead, so... 4. Seeking to get revenge on someone. I don't really know of anyone who would kill themselves to "get revenge on someone". It seems a bit on the childish side to me, especially when as a mature adult, surely most would know that they'd be simply letting that person win by topping themselves over them. Also, said person would probably be laughing that you've killed yourself over them. 5. What about people who choose euthanasia? That it still suicide. Who are you to tell someone with a physical illness that may hamper their day-to-day life and stop them from enjoying life to the full, to carry on living, perhaps for the sake of others ? 6. Some people do actually live past the age of 30 without a partner or a partner who cares about them, whatever the media tells you to say otherwise. Some people do really have nobody suitable to confide in. 7. ....Isn't that the point ? ~L
I don't get all this "triggering" nonsense. You're not responsible for other people's actions. If they want to die, they'll do it even if you never post your suicide methods. It really doesn't take an idiot to look up the lethal ways of suicide.
i'm sat here going through these comments thinking wow im really not the only person to be here. I am currently under the crisis team and i have to say they are lovely and have usually been supportive of me. i've spent hours and hours trawling the internet on ways out, and stumbled across this blog. its really sad that some peolpe arent seemed to be taken seriously, i feel rather unfortunate in that once an episode starts it usually ends in a section and a patch up to get me through to the next relapse, i did find your blog helpful so thankyoux
I was in the car and on reaching I received a text wishing happy birthday. suddenly I sneaked my phone in as I knew if he saw it that would be my worst birthday ever. On repeated warm messages I replied saying stop all this as I am getting engage to someone else. That was the start of an end. The one I was replying texts back was the only one in last 25 years and would be the only one who loved me more than anyone else on earth can ever do. The one for whom I was hiding texts have been the person making my life hell since last 3 years. All this was brought to attention to my parents resulting in finalizing my bonds to a stranger I never knew. Anyhow I managed to untie the knots and escape getting married to yet another nice person. This escapism has been going on since last 5 months just for the sake of a person who doesn’t cares for anything I was doing. I am now on the verge of committing suicide. I am neither living nor been able to die. I’ve prayed million times in feet of his holiness to let me free from unintentional bondage for fake love. I was the chirpiest pleasant and loved by all kind of person who has now ended up crying every now and then. I feel like dying every moment. I emptied every drop of love out of me for one who is gets desperate for every next girl he sees. I have been so much in love with myself and now I hate even waking up in morning and end up doing nothing but absorbed in betrayal and gloom.
Annomously I m currently feeling constantly suicidal and Can not see away forward only dying I try to keep hanging in
I cant stop replaying my childhood trauma in my head. I just want to die and leave the world as is. I don't think it would be a big issue to die nor would anyone really care, I don't feel as if I serve a purpose as a mother because my own has made me grow up feeling worthless and guilty as I have fallen into her footsteps time and time again. No self respect or worth, not taking care of my health mentally or physically. My father abandoned me time and time again and my family has watched constant pain that I have endured and blamed me for everything. Just take it with a grain of salt, or just take a bullet to my head and end the misery. The choice is mine, I am sick of migraines and anger running my life. Not being a normal person in society just lingering in the darkness with no hope, just restless nights wanting to end the pain.
I have been struggling with this suicidal attempts since teen age, and when I was turning 50 I almost did it. I'm 57 now and the call is getting stronger. I have sleepless nights and been always crying when no one is seeing me. I seem to be the toughest when I'm with others, but when I am alone I feel so miserable. Been contemplating how to execute it for several days now...