My constant battle against suicide and suicidal thoughts

Lonestar - Amazed

Suicidal and Paranoid Ideation

I have touched upon my suicidal and paranoid thoughts in previous blogs, and a couple of weeks ago I had strong suicidal thoughts again and am still suffering mild ones this weekend and I wanted to blog about what it is that has kept me safe and prevented me from making attempts on my life for more than 8 years now – when I planned the last day of my life in fine detail and ended up in hospital, only to attempt to take my life in private on the ward the next day: when I was supposed to be on 24/7 suicide watch.

For me, “suicidal ideation” – the concept of thoughts of suicide that are triggered off by life events and stresses – almost never comes with intent.  Yes, in hospital, and the day I planned my death, I believed that the country’s most powerful spies had decided to psychologically torture and kill me through psychotic illness, and this is what led me to plan, in minute detail, my last day.

When I planned "the last day of my life"

I drove (note to self – NEVER drive if suicidal – it is both highly dangerous and irresponsible and also dangerous to other road users) to a favourite woodland picnic spot, with a waterfall, and lots of dogs and children playing, and had an ice cream.  I took delight in wandering round the woodland, admittedly in a daze, and stopping off to marvel at the waterfall.  In the summer/autumn months, it flows freely and there is a viewing platform which is popular with locals and tourists alike.

Being a responsible mental health journalist and blogger, I’m not going to share my plans as to how I then prepared to kill myself, nor what I did in hospital.  This was quite innovative and not only might it be triggering (it is for me, and this is a very tough blog to write) but there is every chance that somebody, somewhere, reading this, might be in a really vulnerable state and attempt something I have mentioned.   I am a regular donor, supporter, and user of Samaritans, and I fully endorse their guidelines on the reporting of suicides in the media – I just wish more journalists were like me.  Maybe if they’d made attempts like I have, and lost friends to suicide too, like I have, they would be.

My mood is generally quite low – often as little as 3 or 4 out of 10, and on average 5/10.  It rarely goes above.  I can laugh and joke when I’m that low, and even when I was in a state of suicidal compulsions for five months, 3 years ago, when the NHS wouldn’t believe me or take any action (“because there’s no intent”), I didn’t try anything. This was deadly serious – I can’t tell you what I was compelled to do although I in a future related blog you may be able to work this out - I even got my mum to drive me up to the hospital with an overnight bag, but there were no beds and they refused even home treatment.

However sharing my traumas in hospital and my “last day” are not why I am writing this blog.  It’s to give you hope if you, too, suffer ongoing suicidal ideation - because for 8 years now I haven’t made a single attempt on my life.  I have an NHS crisis plan and am working on an advance statement in an attempt to ensure that next time my life is in danger I am taken seriously by the NHS and listened to, and action is taken.  I’ve been potentially at risk 3 times in the last 3 months – if you noted the choice of song from YouTube you should be able to work out why – but with “PRN” medication (diazepam and zopiclone) taken when required, at low doses, and with the intervention of the NHS and Samaritans, and yes my mum, brother, best friend, and loyal, supportive colleagues, I have fought my way out of the depression and back to normality.

So many reasons why suicide is NOT the answer:

There are so many reasons I want to share with you why suicide is not the answer:

• It’s usually a permanent solution to a temporary problem e.g. relationships, redundancy
• No method of suicide is guaranteed and most have dire long-term consequences
• You will cause lifelong pain to your loved ones, friends, colleagues and so many others
• If you’re seeking to get revenge on somebody, you won’t be around to see them get hurt
• “This too will pass” – most disabilities/health difficulties improve over time, even if “incurable”
• If, like me, you have no relationship right now, this doesn’t mean you are unlovable or will never form another relationship
• There is no such thing as a "safe dose" of medication

Things you can do to minimise the chances that you will make an attempt on your life include:

• Putting together a crisis plan and following it – it should be in three stages – green, amber and red – act on your early warning signs and seek help as early as possible in your relapse
• Confide in someone you trust – you can always ring Samaritans on 08457 909090 in the UK
• If you feel you cannot stop yourself harming yourself you should dial 999/112 in the UK and ask for both the police and an ambulance immediately or get yourself to A&E (but DO NOT drive)
• If you have a crisis team or other NHS number you should call that as early as possible
• If you’re overseas, see “Befrienders” below and “International Emergency Numbers”

And there are far more detailed guidelines on what do to if you are suicidal in the links below or how you can help someone who is feeling suicidal, or is at risk of doing so.

For me, suicidal ideation is an on-going part of my condition and it’s a really, really tough call for the NHS to make, as to what action needs to be taken. As my team constantly explain, even if there’s intent that doesn’t necessarily mean there’ll be an admission to hospital – resources are tight, and where I live a big expansion plan for a major new multi-ward mental health hospital has just been ditched because of Tory NHS changes. There have also been reports of 140 redundancies among mental health nurses, county-wide.

In my opinion, the risk of suicide is just too severe to dismiss as “no intent” and discharge.   There were reports in my local newspaper of a businessman who took his own life after being turned away by a local A&E department just last week.  I was totally gutted and if it weren’t for the comments on the local newspaper website from family friends – along with the typically thoughtless, mindless, idiotic comments that the public always post when somebody tragically takes their own life – I would have reported it for Mental Healthy. 

Sometimes as a journalist you have to make that judgement – however prominent the person is, if you’re going to cause even more distress to someone’s family and friends maybe it’s best simply to leave it unreported.  I’ve covered three inquests for the BBC – all suicides – and I can tell you nothing has ever, in my professional life, devastated me so much.  To come face-to-face, in the same room, as the bereaved family of a loved one – well it meant I always refused to do the “death knock” and interview bereaved families after any death on my patch and this didn’t win me friends in high places in newsrooms across the North of England.  “We’re journalists, not social workers Ian!” was one BBC news editor’s response to this. Thankfully I no longer work for the BBC and have a new life working in the mental health journalism sector - full of kind, caring, compassionate and gentle colleagues and bosses, interviewees and readers.

Thank you so much for sharing my journey and please read the links below if you, or someone you know, is in potentially suicidal distress or going through an otherwise distressing emotional time:

Important suicide prevention information:

• rethink.org/mental_health_shop/products/rethink_publications/suicide_prevention_f.html 
• mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/suicidal_feelings
• mind.org.uk/help/medical_and_alternative_care/how_to_help_someone_who_is_suicidal
• Samaritans - call 08457 909090)
• befrienders.org/
• en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emergency_telephone_number 

It may also be very useful to find a local charity running a WRAP or "Wellness Recovery Action Planning" group - I completed one last year with local Mind and it forms the basis of my NHS crisis plan.  For more information see:

• Wellness Recovery Action Plan - Mary Ellen Copeland