Suicide - she's not coming back
Life & death - Looking at the world through child's eyes
February this year saw a friend of mine commit suicide or as I like to see it a friend was allowed to die in a secure unit despite repeated cries for help. She was the partner of one of my best friends, a friend who has stood by me through thick and thin. I'd say the most loyal friend I have ever known, Danielle.
Last weekend my son and I went to a heavy horse farm with Danielle, we drove tractors and rode horses and carts with 'Aunty Dans'. On the way my son of four asked (as he does every time we see Dans) 'Will aunty Lou be there mummy?' He'd never known Dans without Lou.
I hadn't wanted to shatter his perceptions of the world at four years old, (or three as he was at the time she died). I had tried to leave the 'life and death' conversation as long as possible, and God forbid answering questions about the circumstances!
I had hoped that at three he would have simply faded the memory of Aunty Lou, but no, this time I knew a brush off simply wouldn't do!
'No she won't darling.'
'Why? Is she still poorly?'
'No, she's not still poorly... She's gone to heaven sweetheart'
He pondered this for a moment and you could see him thinking...
'But why mummy? Only old people go to heaven, Lou hadn't even grown a beard yet, she wasn't old!' Was his very sweet and childlike reply.
I wondered if I could just lead the conversation off down the road of 'ladies don't have beards', but I stuck to the point.
'Lou really wanted to go to heaven so God let her in early.'
'Why?'
'Well He couldn't make her better here on earth, so agreed to take her to heaven to make it all better.'
'I bet aunty Dans didn't want her to go'
'No she didn't sweetheart, but she let her go because she knew it was what she wanted.'
'I love Aunty Dans'
Pause
'Will Lou be coming back?'
'No my darling, she's not coming back'
'Why?'
'It's so nice there and she's better and at peace,'
'Will I be able to visit her in heaven when I am really old and have a beard?'
'Yes darling, but only when you are really old and go to heaven.'
'Oh, okay then mummy.'
...The logic and innocence of a child. It does me good to see the world through his sweet and beautiful eyes from time to time...
Rest in peace Lou x
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Comments
I am so sorry to hear you feel like this. It's hard for me to know how to help as I am not a qualified psychologist and don't know your history or condition. However, I did once feel as though I couldn't go on, I saw no hope, no future and lived every day in pain. I now thank God I didn't give up, if I had I wouldn't have the wonderful life I have now that the blackness is over. Where there is life there is hope. You need to find the support you need. Your GP needs to help you. If care from them is no good ask for a second/third opinion, you have every right to be heard. SANE have various methods of help and support also, please see here: http://www.sane.org.uk/what_we_do/support/
On behalf of friends and family who have lost loved ones from suicide - please don't give up your decisions will change the lives of so many, even if you believe otherwise.
Charlotte x
I am so sorry to hear of your bereavement. I can understand your dislike of the term, but then suicide itself is such a difficult, tabboo subject I don't think any terminology could capture the grief, heartache, anger, sadness, guilt and pain. Once again I am sorry for your loss. You may find this helpful: grief
Thank you Gary, what a great way to remind us to look at the blessings we have. Thank you, Charlotte
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