My First Blog, My Next Step.

by Sarah Myles

OK, here goes...

I have always loved to write, and have done so for many years. Not professionally, but for my own enjoyment. I suppose I found it therapeutic.

Over an extended period of time, the writing stopped flowing. My mental health (always an issue) deteriorated further, and I began receiving a variety of assessments and treatments. Eventually, in January 2010, I was given a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Being now the mother of two young children and living in a different part of the country, the treatment kicked up a gear and I was fortunate enough to receive an outpatient course of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy and one-to-one psychotherapy. As a result, I gained a much deeper understanding of my disorder, my behaviours/symptoms (OCD, panic, general anxiety, paranoia, food issues, emotional disregulation, mood disruption, dissociation, etc) my triggers and myself as a whole. The writing began to flow again.

During this process, I realised that in all of my writing, I have never once revealed anything of myself. Ever. It has all been carefully constructed to be entirely external and 'other'. It became clear that this was another on a long list of coping strategies, while displaying the bizarre, contradictory nature of a "Borderline" - needing to communicate while simultaneously needing to hide myself away from the world.

It occurred to me that in order to progress further, I would need to move toward full integration. Bringing the external projection (smiley, personable, "together") closer to the internal reality (terrified, bouncing off the walls). I accepted (after a lot of work) the meaning and impact of my diagnosis, but have never truly accepted myself.

So, I decided that this would be my next challenge. My next recovery goal. My next step.

And so here we are. At a time when our NHS, the economy, and the battle against mental health stigma are hot issues, I have a lot to communicate, and I am grateful for the opportunity to take this next step in a space of understanding.

Sarah

Comments

Hi Sarah. Well done for taking that first step, and good luck with the journey. Really looking forward to reading your blog. Lexie

Thank you, Lexie. Feeling fairly exposed now, but remembering to breathe...! smiley

Great blog Sarah, very well done on taking this step, I know we all look forward to being on this journey with you.
Charlotte

Thanks, Charlotte. smiley

Sarah

Very brave, well done. I have felt for a while I have BPD but have tried not to see gp. I just want it to go away, some days, weeks even, I'm fine, then the smallest thing and bang I'm so angry or hurt, I want to cut but don't most of the time as I have kids. It's ridiculous, im bringing up kids yet feel emotionally like a toddler!!! Nyway I look forward to your blogs, looks like I'm gunna find them useful x

Thank you for your kind comments.

I would recommend seeing your GP, as there is help to be had that can provide some relief. As much as there is particular stigma both inside and outside the mental health profession regarding BPD, if you can access the right kind of help at a time when you are ready, your situation can be transformed.

Good luck.

Sarah

Thank you x
Congratulations on taking this very brave step; I think this path will not only help you towards the full integration you are seeking, but it will aid others to finding coping strategies which will help them too. Best Wishes H

Thank you for those comments - they mean a lot. I have often found reading about other people's experiences very helpful. If I can do that for someone else while exploring this path, well, that would just be the best scenario. smiley

Sarah

 

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