My First Blog, My Next Step.

OK, here goes...

I have always loved to write, and have done so for many years. Not professionally, but for my own enjoyment. I suppose I found it therapeutic.

Over an extended period of time, the writing stopped flowing. My mental health (always an issue) deteriorated further, and I began receiving a variety of assessments and treatments. Eventually, in January 2010, I was given a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Being now the mother of two young children and living in a different part of the country, the treatment kicked up a gear and I was fortunate enough to receive an outpatient course of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy and one-to-one psychotherapy. As a result, I gained a much deeper understanding of my disorder, my behaviours/symptoms (OCD, panic, general anxiety, paranoia, food issues, emotional disregulation, mood disruption, dissociation, etc) my triggers and myself as a whole. The writing began to flow again.

During this process, I realised that in all of my writing, I have never once revealed anything of myself. Ever. It has all been carefully constructed to be entirely external and 'other'. It became clear that this was another on a long list of coping strategies, while displaying the bizarre, contradictory nature of a "Borderline" - needing to communicate while simultaneously needing to hide myself away from the world.

It occurred to me that in order to progress further, I would need to move toward full integration. Bringing the external projection (smiley, personable, "together") closer to the internal reality (terrified, bouncing off the walls). I accepted (after a lot of work) the meaning and impact of my diagnosis, but have never truly accepted myself.

So, I decided that this would be my next challenge. My next recovery goal. My next step.

And so here we are. At a time when our NHS, the economy, and the battle against mental health stigma are hot issues, I have a lot to communicate, and I am grateful for the opportunity to take this next step in a space of understanding.

Sarah