Dear BPD - A Letter to The Devil On My Shoulder.

by Sarah Myles

Dear BPD,

I hate you.

You sneak around in the background, lurking in the shadows. Then you rush out at me, screaming, and make so much noise I just can’t think. You wear so many different masks and disguises, I never know what to look for from one day to the next. You rattle my nerves and keep me anxious – never able to relax and enjoy the moment because I’m always trying to head you off at the pass.

I hate you because you hold me back. Constantly whispering doubt in my ear about everything – parenting, friendships, relationships, work, hobbies, me and my abilities. You make me feel like I have to justify everything to everybody – even the fact that I’m here at all.

You stop me doing the most basic things that everybody else can just take in their stride, and when I stand up to you and attempt a display of defiance, you just laugh and punch me in the gut. I hate you because I have had to spend so much time and energy learning your ways, how to walk through each day avoiding you – how to keep you quiet. There are so many things I would rather have spent that time doing.

I hate you because there is no middle ground. Either you have stolen all of my energy and I can do nothing, or you are barking at me, sending me into constant physical and mental motion until I am completely exhausted. You sit in the corner, quietly pushing buttons and plucking at nerves while nobody is looking, until I explode with unprocessed emotion and have to deal with all the consequences that follow.

I hate you because to everybody else you are an all-encompassing label. People can just attribute all my behaviour to you and dismiss it, when sometimes, I’m actually just being me. You are a chain around my ankle, weighing me down - giving me just enough room to move so I think I can soar, then yanking me back down into your pit.

I hate you because my children deserve better.

But here’s the thing about you, BPD: as much as you want to be pulling the strings like some evil puppet-master, I will always have choices. Sometimes, I forget. But then I remember. I have choices, and that is why I will always come out the other side.

I choose to accept your presence, since you are never going to leave, and I accept the reasons you arrived in the first place.

I choose to accept that I have no control over the reactions I get from others – people are people and I am responsible for my own conduct only.

I choose to accept that if I incorporate management strategies into my daily life, then over time, you will get smaller and more insignificant. I will then have to waste less time focussed on you. I accept that sometimes, on occasion, you may still get a bit too big for your boots, but now I accept that that’s OK, because I can put you straight back in your place.

Finally, I choose positivity.

I choose to believe that you are simply a tiny part of my life, as opposed to the powerful, labelling force I could easily let you be. While I accept that hatred and resentment are two perfectly valid emotions that may well up from time to time, I choose not to let them overwhelm me.

I choose to learn from my experience, and use it to improve my parenting, friendships, relationships, work, hobbies, me and my abilities.

I make these choices because my children deserve better.

Yours calmly,

Sarah Myles

Comments

This is a wonderful summary of how I and I'm sure many with BPD feel. I love that you recognised that sometimes you're actually just being you, since that is often overlooked and I have that problem too. This is brave and honest letter, well done. I hope you continue progressing :)

Many thanks for your comment :)

Sarah Myles

Thank you for this spoken so truely. A true inspiration to BPD.

That's really kind. Thank you :)

Hi. I see that you don't update your site too often. I know that writing articles is boring and time consuming. But did you know that there is a tool that allows you to create new posts using existing content (from article directories or other websites from your niche)? And it does it very well. The new articles are high quality and pass the copyscape test. Search in google and try: miftolo's tools My website; KittyJuicy

LOVE your attitude!

Thanks, Jade wink

You could definitely see your skills within the work you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers such as you who are not afraid to say how they believe. Always go after your heart. my homepage ... cialis
Greetings from Florida! I'm bored at work so I decided to check out your website on my iphone during lunch break. I love the info you provide here and can't wait to take a look when I get home. I'm surprised at how fast your blog loaded on my mobile .. I'm not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyhow, superb site! Have a look at my web blog ... gamefly
It's the best time to make some plans for the future and it's time to be happy. I've learn this post and if I may I desire to suggest you few interesting things or suggestions. Perhaps you could write subsequent articles referring to this article. I desire to learn more things about it! my page :: JNCCN
thats amazing

Thank you.

Sarah Myles

Quite experimental. Don't keep refering to yourself as BPD, it is only an idea, not a real thing. Sure it will give people some easy victories on the knowledge front but pretty quickly it will only become a hinderance to understanding. I am sure that many people would be pleased to have you as their friend.

Thank you for your comment.

I'm not referring to myself as BPD, but rather to BPD as being something separate to myself. Hence the title "A Letter To The Devil On My Shoulder".

Reasons for using any diagnostic label to refer to one's own mental illness could fill a blog post of its own - which I may cover next time I post.

Thanks for the idea.

Sarah Myles 

You have plenty of your own! Is it helpful to think in very complex terms?

I don't feel the themes in this post are particularly complex. The letter is simply a reflection of how I felt at the time (and at many other times), during a "bad" day.

In terms of this process of creative expression being helpful - yes it is. Some people paint it out, some rock it out. I write it out. 

Thanks for reading,

Sarah Myles

escort website marketing web page developed in particular for escorts.
Q: Shall I think of myself as someone with Borderline Personality Disorder? Advantages: 1. When I am in a really difficult situation where I do not feel I can cope and fear being destroyed helpers will realise that this label means that I really am in serious trouble, not exaggerating. (people have a track history of failing to recognise the seriousness of my crisis moments.) 2. People will accept my abusive behaviour because I have good reasons to be this way. They should empathise more. Problems: 1. I think of myself as inherently/fatally flawed. Dilemma: If I discard the label I will be assumed to be able to fend for myself. If I keep the label I will not be credited for my successes as people will always be suspicious that I have not really changed. Not much of a choice.

Thank you - that's a brilliant outline of that dilemma.

First off, a gentle disclaimer - I'm not a health professional of any kind, so my thoughts and comments are only ever based on my own personal experience.

I will blog about this in-depth at another time, but I do think that the way in which an individual deals with and accepts (or not) their diagnosis and/or illness is a massively personal thing. There is no right or wrong way to approach it, which is why it is such a long and difficult process.

My psychologist once pointed out to me that what little self-esteem I had was entirely based on the thoughts and reactions of other people, which is something I have no control over. At the time, I couldn't see what else I would base it on! Much later, that proved to be a very important realisation for me - helping change my thought processes in all areas, including my attitude to my diagnosis.

Thanks for joining in the discussion,

Sarah Myles

Fantastic website. A lot of useful information here. I'm sending it to some pals ans additionally sharing in delicious. And of course, thanks for your effort! my homepage ... g
I bet you are not so dependent on others thoughts and reactions now!

Not as much as I used to be, but I still have to work at it every day, like everything else.

At this point, it's still a conscious thought process I go through each time to head it off at the pass, but I'm beginning to see and acknowledge the progress I've made and that keeps me motivated.

Thanks,

Sarah Myles

 

Can I ask you Sarah, is this letter metaphorical? I find it quite captivating. Is the Devil part of you or is it someone else, or even several people? Thank you for sharing this.

This is a truly fascinating question, and I've been mulling it over all day. It's taken me through a really interesting thought process.

My instinctive answer is yes, it is metaphorical - but looking a bit deeper it's not actually that clear-cut. The BPD itself is a part of me, yes, but the way I regard it (I now realise, as a result of your question) follows the pattern of coping mechanisms I have unconsciously employed since childhood - the externalisation of anxiety. I've always followed this pattern (the result of emotional dysregulation) and it is the cause of many of my other symptoms - most notably my OCD. I have investigated that pattern through my treatment, but never really noticed I was doing the same with my illness.

It sounds obvious, but that realisation is something of an epiphany for me! Thank you for the prompt (and more ideas for future posts...)!

Sarah Myles

I do not know whether it's just me or if everybody else experiencing problems with your site. It appears like some of the written text on your content are running off the screen. Can somebody else please comment and let me know if this is happening to them too? This could be a problem with my internet browser because I've had this happen previously. Appreciate it Also visit my page - Сialis
Could it be that you felt anxious in a world which was out of your control and instead you became very ordered in other ways? Were/are you someone who became self-absorbed? Other things I thought were that the letter was a form of prayer asking for Grace in a world which is difficult to tolerate.

My anxiety developed from very specific experiences at a very early age. Externalisation as an unconscious coping mechanism comes directly from that - with emotional dysregulation making me unable to process or tolerate extreme emotions, my mind automatically projects them onto something outside of myself which I am able to physically deal with. I don't think I would describe myself as having become self-absorbed - I generally have very little regard for myself in any way. 

I enjoyed your interpretation of the letter being a prayer for Grace. Personally, I am not religious (though I have come to my own spiritual beliefs), and so the letter really does not mean that for me. What I am noticing, however, is that the letter seems to mean different things to different people, and that is a very comforting response.

Many thanks for your comments,

Sarah Myles

 

I'll right away grab your rss as I can not find your email subscription link or newsletter service. Do you have any? Please let me realize in order that I may subscribe. Thanks. Here is my website - gamefly free trial
Howdy! This article could not be written much better! Looking through this article reminds me of my previous roommate! He constantly kept talking about this. I will forward this post to him. Pretty sure he will have a great read. Thanks for sharing! Take a look at my web-site - Bentley Models UK
Hi sarah Would you mind if I put this article in our newsletter? We are a mental health user group , We are called speakupcic I look forward to hearing from you Maggie

Hi Maggie,

Speakup (CIC), formerly known as East Kent User Forum? I'd be honoured. I'd love to see it too, if possible. If you could contact me through my Twitter account (@sjmyles), I can let you know where to send/email it.

Thanks for your interest,

Sarah Myles

It's the best time to make some plans for the future and it's time to be happy. I've learn this post and if I may I desire to suggest you few interesting things or suggestions. Perhaps you could write subsequent articles referring to this article. I desire to learn more things about it! Here is my web-site; JNCCN
Hi. I see that you don't update your site too often. I know that writing articles is boring and time consuming. But did you know that there is a tool that allows you to create new posts using existing content (from article directories or other websites from your niche)? And it does it very well. The new articles are high quality and pass the copyscape test. Search in google and try: miftolo's tools my blog - KittyJuicy
Prescription For Propecia Effets De Priligy Commande Cialis Pharmacie viagra Stendra Medicine Louisville Viagra Und Cialis Forum Kamagra And Hiv Buy Tamoxifen Uk viagra Todo Sobre Viagra Alcohol Y Viagra Comprar Cialis Cuiaba
Prescription For Propecia Effets De Priligy Commande Cialis Pharmacie viagra Stendra Medicine Louisville Viagra Und Cialis Forum Kamagra And Hiv Buy Tamoxifen Uk viagra Todo Sobre Viagra Alcohol Y Viagra Comprar Cialis Cuiaba
You could definitely see your skills within the work you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers such as you who are not afraid to say how they believe. Always go after your heart. Feel free to visit my website - cialis
I do not know whether it's just me or if everybody else experiencing problems with your site. It appears like some of the written text on your content are running off the screen. Can somebody else please comment and let me know if this is happening to them too? This could be a problem with my internet browser because I've had this happen previously. Appreciate it Feel free to visit my webpage Сialis
check top casino games, online craps]
Antibiotic Amoxicillin generic cialis Levitra Generico Acquisto On Line Cherche Viagra Strasbourg Prix Boite Cialis 5mg
Antibiotic Amoxicillin generic cialis Levitra Generico Acquisto On Line Cherche Viagra Strasbourg Prix Boite Cialis 5mg
I'll right away grab your rss as I can not find your email subscription link or newsletter service. Do you have any? Please let me realize in order that I may subscribe. Thanks. Feel free to surf to my web site - gamefly free trial
Greetings from Florida! I'm bored at work so I decided to check out your website on my iphone during lunch break. I love the info you provide here and can't wait to take a look when I get home. I'm surprised at how fast your blog loaded on my mobile .. I'm not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyhow, superb site! my blog post gamefly
Fantastic website. A lot of useful information here. I'm sending it to some pals ans additionally sharing in delicious. And of course, thanks for your effort! Feel free to visit my blog - g
Howdy! This article could not be written much better! Looking through this article reminds me of my previous roommate! He constantly kept talking about this. I will forward this post to him. Pretty sure he will have a great read. Thanks for sharing! my web blog - Bentley Models UK
escort website marketing web page developed in particular for escorts.
http://tribtaiti.webcindario.com/ drugstore online reviews trust pharmacy canadian http://tribtaiti.webcindario.com/ trust pharmacy canada reviews http://tribtaiti.webcindario.com/
http://tribtaiti.webcindario.com/ drugstore online reviews trust pharmacy canadian http://tribtaiti.webcindario.com/ trust pharmacy canada reviews http://tribtaiti.webcindario.com/
http://tribtaiti.webcindario.com/ reputable canadian prescriptions online viagra canadiense http://tribtaiti.webcindario.com/ pharmacy near me http://tribtaiti.webcindario.com/
http://tribtaiti.webcindario.com/ reputable canadian prescriptions online viagra canadiense http://tribtaiti.webcindario.com/ pharmacy near me http://tribtaiti.webcindario.com/

Post new comment