If you are going through divorce be kind to yourself
By William Smith
Divorce can be hard for almost everyone whilst it can be utterly devastating for others. It is quite usual to 
feel sad or worried about money but some people become stuck in a bog of bad feelings and can’t find a way out of it. They can become depressed and feel as if their life has fallen apart.
A new study looks at what could account for the gulf of varying emotional upset that can exist between different people going through the same experience.
An upcoming study published in the journal Psychological Science says the answer is self-compassion.
A combination of kindness towards oneself, recognition of common humanity and the ability to let painful emotions pass ‘can promote resilience and positive outcomes in the face of divorce,’ says David A Sbarra who conducted the study with colleagues Hillary L. Smith and Mathias R. Mehl from the University of Arizona.
This capacity predicts better adjustment shortly after divorce and up to nine months later.
The findings have implications for helping people to learn how to weather the storm of divorce and survive in better mental health and in better spirits.
‘We’re not interested in the basic statement ‘People who are coping better today do better nine months from now’. That doesn’t hep anybody,’ says Sbarra.
‘The surprising part here is that when we look at a bunch of positive characteristics’ – such as self-esteem, resistance to depression, optimism or ease with relationships – ‘this one characteristic, self-compassion, uniquely predicts good outcomes.’
The study centred on 105 people, 67 women and 38 men with an average age of 40. They had been married for over 13 years and divorced for an average of 3-4 months. The participants were asked, on their first visit, to think about their former partner for 30 seconds. They were then asked to talk for four minutes about their feelings and thoughts about their separation.
Four trained researchers listened to the audio files and rated the participants’ levels of self-compassion. The participants were also assessed for other psychological traits, such as depression and their ‘relationship style’. The participants reported on their adjustment to the divorce, including the frequency with which they experienced intrusive thoughts and emotions about their separation – these reports were made at the initial visit, three months later and then after either six or nine months.
The people with high levels of self-compassion at the start recovered faster and were also doing better after a period of months. Sbarra says that he is often asked by friends who know what he studies, how can these findings help people going through divorce?
‘It’s not easy to say. ‘Be less anxious.’ You can’t change your personality so easily. E also know that women do better than men. But you can’t change your se. What you can change is your stance with respect to your experience,’ Sbarra says.
Sbarra also says that understanding your loss as part of bigger human experience helps assuage feelings of isolation. He added that mindfulness, noting jealousy or anger without judgement or rumination, lets you turn your mind to life in the present without getting stuck in the past.
The researchers are unsure whether this can be taught. ‘This study opens a window for how we can potentially cultivate self-compassion among recently separated adults. It helps smooth the journey through one of life’s most difficult experiences,’ Sabarra concluded.
