I feel guilty. I feel guilty a lot, about things I do and things I don't do.

I feel guilty. I feel guilty a lot, about things
 I  do and things I don't do.

All of us, whether guilty or not, whether old or young, must accept the past. It is not a case of coming to terms with the past. That is not possible. It cannot be subsequently modified or undone.
Richard von Weizsaecker

They tell me that my guilty feelings are due to my PTSD but I see it as part of my PTSD. I look at the problem and I have to write down what those feelings are. Some are minor others are heavy.  When you go to your Doctor they look for the Trauma that is causing the hurt. It is only later you wonder what your triggers are.  You list them but you do not see guilt as a trigger but just something that is part of life. It is a hard thing to face as you living your pain again. You push it to the side.

How many of us have thought if only about something. I know I have it is not the minor thing like if only I brought that shirt and not this one. Those type of if only you handle in your own way.
It is the big ones I know I have some that seat back and wait. May be it is time I face some of them. As they say one step at a time. To put them in the open to face them head on.
One that I know will always trouble me is about taking my Family to N Ireland back in 1973. I know hindsight is a wonderful thing if I had only know etc. Yet it brings the pain on stronger. I look back at the night of the bomb the pain my family went though. I was a soldier they were my family. I felt that I had let them down. To see my 3 year old daughter run down the hallway follow by smoke glass wood etc screaming Mummy where are you.My wife the pain she had to live with that week, month if not years.
 

The guilt when my wife left me in 2009 were did I go wrong. I could see it as I was falling deeper into my PTSD world. It still hurts me to talk about it. I know that I switch off to help. You don’t understand were words that feel from my lips. It was easy to walk away than face the pain or rows. When I was off work I hid away home life was becoming a thing of the past. I know I have to face them but that is a hard road to walk. I have walked a little but as I said before one step at a time.
 

What happens to me when I fall into the guilt pit? I withdraw from daily life. I hate myself picking holes in what I have done or plan to do. I am full of dark thoughts. On a bad fall I start looking at ending my life. I try to shake it. One time I would hit the bottle. I would not count my drinks.  I just wanted to drown my sorrows.  Now that I have given up drinking I try to face my pain a little bit better. When I am in those dark modes I switch off my mobile phone pull the socket out the wall for my land line. I don’t want to speak to any one. I hide in my dark corner.

The longest time that feeling hung over me was for 5 days. I didn’t wash, shave, eat or speak to anyone.  Again I hurt my love ones I think that I am saving them from pain. All I am doing is adding more pain and guilt for later. That then starts the cycle all over again.

I know that I have to face my problem it is hard to do. I feel like I am in a minefield. I am not sure which the safe route is. I am facing it slowly I have to stop this pain I know with the help of others I know I can do it.