Why do people stay in violent relationships?
By Liz Lockhart
What a question! There must be many different reasons why women and men stay with their violent 
partners. I have been working with a woman who found herself in a long-term relationship with a violent man and got to the root of why she stayed in that partnership. Many people will be able to relate to Sadie’s experiences and she hopes that by telling her story others may decide to leave their violent partner.
Sadie (not her real name) is a very successful woman. She is the head mistress of a school and does not want to reveal her true name as she feels that it would erode her position.
‘I have always been very confident in my professional life. I know what I do and I know I do it well. Then I would go home to a man who not only abused me physically but, even more damaging, he brought me down emotionally. He criticised me in every way and I couldn’t do anything right. It was difficult to swap roles from confident and happy during my working days to feeling that I was worth nothing and unhappy at home,’ Sadie told Mental Healthy.
‘His violent outbursts very rarely turned to physical violence but it was the not knowing that made me scared. Would this be the time that he would hit me? The anxiety and stress that this uncertainty brings gradually took its toll and I began to feel unwell. This in turn only made things worse for me at home as I struggled to do everything right for this bad tempered and unworthy man.’
Sadie adds ‘I have asked myself many times why I stayed in this ‘hell’ of a relationship for nearly twelve years. I had always thought that if I were to find myself with a violent man I would instantly walk away. I can make no many excuses as to why I remained in this nightmare. I loved him, he loved me very much despite his bullying and aggression, he needed me and I was afraid of being alone. None of those reasons were what bound me to stay. It took me some time to realise what the real reason for staying was. I realised that because he had taken away all my self-esteem by criticising everything about me it was him alone who could give that back to me and that was why I stayed.’
‘I stayed so that I could get it right and he would eventually realise that I was good and bright and beautiful. I needed him to see me as others did and to tell me. It wasn’t until I eventually walked away from the relationship that I realised that that would never have happened. I had got it right and he was the one who would never be able to do that.’
Through Sadie’s openness about her relationship we can dispel many of the misconceptions which are associated with why people stay in violent relationships. I have heard people say ‘Oh she must like a bit of a slap or else she wouldn’t stay’. I have spoken to many women who have been the victims of domestic violence and I have never yet met one who enjoys physical or mental abuse. If you are suffering from this type of abuse it is time to leave. You will not be able to make it right until you leave your abusive partner.
