Valentine’s month – a great time for parents to teach safe dating

By Liz Lockhart

Teenage years can be a difficult phase in a young person’s life, the transition from childhood to adulthood is strewn with lessons to learn. For parents too it can hold difficulties as they watch their ‘babies’ blossom into young adults.

Adolescence can be a very important time in building a child’s self-esteem and parents can use this Valentine period to discuss dating and relationships to make them safer for them. This can help both now and throughout their lives if done properly.

Experts at Youth Villages suggest that there is a down side to puppy love and give us the following information to guide us:

In the U.S., approximately one in three adolescent girls is a victim of physicall, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner.
One in four teen girls in a relationship says she has been threatened with violence or experienced verbal abuse, and 13% of teens say they were physically hurt on purpose by a boyfriend or girlfriend.
45% of girls know a friend or peer who has been pressured into having intercourse or oral sex.
One in five teen girls has electronically sent or posted nude or nearly nude photos or videos.

(These statistics were compiled by the Centres for Disease Control in Atlanta).

New routes for improper and even illegal behaviour have opened up, with common access to the Internet, social media and mobile phones. This technology means that teens can more easily be harassed or bullied through texts and social network posts.

Kirstin Landers, a clinical programme manager for Youth Village gives some advice to parents who just don’t know where to start to prevent these types of abuse happening to their teens. Youth Village is a private, non-profit establishment with the aim of helping children with emotional, behavioural and mental health issues and their families.

Kirstin says that it is important to know your teen’s friends ‘As children become tweens and teens, it’s more important than ever for parents to know their children’s friends. This is the age when what peers think and say are a teen’s top influence. Teens value their friends the most. You must know them.’

‘You may have to step in and help the child reduce his or her relationship with a peer who you think is negative or damaging. That’s very difficult. It’s easier to promote positive relationships early and nourish those relationships through the teen years.’

Landers also suggest that another good idea is to set family expectations early and review them often. It’s never too early to start talking about your family’s unique values and expectations. Dating and relationships are something which can be discussed with children as early as 9 or 10 and no later than 12, long before a first date is on the cards.

Landers says ‘Your child needs to know what activities you consider appropriate and where the absolute out-of-bounds lines are. Be sure to look for ‘teaching moments’, such as a congressman who is forced to resign after sending a provocative photo. These events become lessons in the bad things that can happen when actions aren’t thought through. You can discuss incidents that are in the news, behaviour of TV stars, scenes in movies, anything that will inspire conversation and help you reinforce your values message.’

You may find it particularly difficult to discuss sexual situations which your teen may encounter, but take a deep breath and go for it. ‘Remind them that oral sex is sex. There seem to be some teenage and adult misunderstandings about that. Be sure your teens understand that they have the right to say no. You might even role play potential situations so your child learns how to say no, or what to do if he or she feels pressured,’ Landers says.

She also suggests that it is wise to randomly check your child’s mobile phone. Periodical checking to review the content and tone of the continual texts can help to keep teens safe.

‘People lived without cell phones for centuries, and your teen might have to now, if rules are broken. Remind them that sexting is not just offensive, it’s illegal. Make sure your child knows that sending nude or provocative pictures on a phone may being a visit from police and, maybe more importantly to them, will allow the photo to be forwarded to the entire school,’ Landers suggests.

Be on the lookout for changes in eating or sleeping patterns, excessive worry or preoccupation with what a boyfriend or girlfriend thinks, a drop in grades and isolation from old friends. These can all be signs of your teen experiencing problems and it is necessary to talk to them to find out what is troubling them.

When your teen does start dating it is always advisable to know the boyfriend or girlfriend and their parents. Landers concludes that the teenage years are an important time for any child. He or she is taking steps towards adulthood and making lifetime memories such as first date, first crush and first love. ‘Hopefully, they’ll have fond memories of the caring, involved parent who watched over them during this time as well.’