Sex Questions Answered

Promiscuous Past

Q) I have just married a man that I love very much. We have great sex, but I have had lots of relationships in the past and was really quite promiscuous in my teens. He has only had a handful of lovers. I can’t fully relax in bed with my new husband because I feel unclean, it really is causing me to pull away, which is the opposite of what I want to do, please help.

Sara, Kent

A) Dear Sarah, Firstly congratulations on your marriage. I am sorry to hear you are feeling like this. My first bit of advice is talk to your husband. As you know he has only had a handful of lovers, I would assume he knows about your past too, in which case the problem only lies with how you view yourself. He obviously loves you for who you are now and you need to learn to do the same. How many lovers we have had does not define who we are, the past is past, do not punish yourself by allowing your present sex life to suffer-believe me there is no better sex than that within a loving marriage, with someone who knows you intimately. When you dedicate yourself to someone you start over, learn to love yourself as you grow in this union- Communication and trust are the keys.

Charlotte Fantelli

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Sex Addiction

Q) Hi Uncovered,

I think I am a sex addict. I am really worried about my behaviour. I haven't ever done anything without consent of course but I just can't stop having sex with as many women who will have me. Sometimes it's like two or three a night. I go to clubs and see how many I can get, the more dangerous the better, in the club, in the street, no protection and I just hate myself for it. I fantasise in the day and when I'm not watching porn I am thinking of what I can do tonight it consumes my day. Please help.

Jake

A) Hi Jake,

This is a serious question and it is one that you need to seek professional help for. You can look privately - see here: Counselling Directory or my advice would be go to your GP. You may think they are just for physical ailments but they are the gatekeepers to free psychological help also. It is obvious that you are hurting yourself with your problem not to mention putting yourself and others at risk of STDs (and unwanted pregnancy). I would also advise you immediately get tested for STDs, your GP will again be able to advise.

I am not for one minute pointing a finger of judgement, afterall you have been very brave to ask for help, this is a great step Jake and one that can help you have a fulfilling and healthy sex life. Please get that appointment with your GP today. The books below may also help (but are no substitute for seeing the Dr!)

Charlotte

 

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Fantasies about someone I know

Q) Dear Uncovered, I have been fantasising about someone I know and I am feeling very disloyal to my partner who I love very much. What should I do?

Mrs A from Frome

A) It's hard to advise on only a small amount of information given, but I think you have to ask yourself this - is your fantasy impacting upon your real relationship? If the answer is yes (which I am assuming you writing to us shows) then you should discuss it with your partner. You don't have to 'confess all' as though you have done something wrong, or even specifically tell him who, but opening the lines of communication enough to discuss your fantasies and you may just find it is something that proves to be a way of improving intimacy and communication.

If you feel this isn't right for you or possible, then ask yourself a different question - does the satisfaction I get out of fantasising weigh up against the guilt I feel about doing it? Is the fantasy pleasing me or making me feel rotten? If it is the latter then stopping the fantasies and allowing yourself to think about less guilt-inducing things for pleasure, may just make you a lot happier.  

Fantasising is part of life, we all think 'what if' thoughts now and then, it is almost a way of reassuring ourselves of our choices, but you have to balance the pleasure you get with the pain it is causing - you or potentially your partner. This sadly is only for you to decide.

You may find this article useful: Sexual Fantasies

Best wishes,

Charlotte

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Wanting Excitement but Feeling Tainted by Abuse

Q) Dear Uncovered,

I'm 28 years old and for years I went though an abusive relationship and I really want to enjoy sex in my new relationship but I feel tainted by the past. Every time I try something exciting and new with my boyfriend I get a feeling of being dirty afterwards. I really enjoy it (is that bad?) things like games and other more naughty things. Please help on the one hand it's the best sex ever and on the other I spend so much time thinking I'm wrong.

Claire, Swansea

A) Hi Claire,

I am sorry you are feeling this way, it is very common to be left with this feeling folloing a traumatic sexual past, but please do not take on the guilt of your abuser, you are free to enjoy your sex life like anyone else and shouldn't feel guilty for it. I know it is easily said and harder done, but sex is a great and wonderful part of life and when it is with the right person can be fulfilling and exciting.  Fun and games between consenting adults is nothing to feel bad about!  If it is legal and fun and not hurting anyone then go for it! 

I would advise if you can talk to your current partner so your journey of discovery can be open, honest and taking it at a pace you both feel comfortable with.

Best Wishes,

Charlotte

Remember if you want your sex questions answered email us at lettersandtips@mentalhealthy.co.uk

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