Demons, memories and choices
It's not how you feel it's what you do with it that counts!
I was touched this week by the blog post Calendar by Vet. Knowsley, especially as this week marked one of the hardest days of the year for me.
I pride myself on being strong, capable and forward focussed, yet every year around that day a black, black mist descends reminding me there are still chains binding me to memories I just can't seem to 100% break free from.
A simple date on the calendar, one more day to add to the 4,748 others since that night, why the heck should I still lie in the dark tossing, turning, unable to sleep with nothing but memories of yesteryear?
Maybe it is the chill in the air, the crispness of the nights, the smell of the autumn breeze, the still quiet atmosphere of cold nights drawing in, or any of the other subtle little reminders stuck in my subconscious mind never quite letting me be free from memory.
Well, on a very positive note, the black dog that briefly visited me for a few days (simply to remind me it is there) gave me the opportunity to react in a more mature way, another year on from the event.
Each anniversary I know where I was and what I did. The first anniversary was marked by me wanting to exact revenge, the second by a phone call, another call marked the third. Self harm, and sadness, coupled with fast driving and smashing things up lead the bill in the following years.
But now I am a mum. I am a wife. I have a whole present and future in my hands. I have more to lose than ever I had before. I have to make sure that my burning urges for self destruct are acknowledged but not succumbed to.
No fast cars, no self harm, no punches thrown.
One solitary tear rolled my cheek and hit the pillow.
I was grumpy. I was sensitive. I took things a bit too personally and snapped at those closest to me.
But then the 20th of October came, the sun came up. My family still beside me and 4,749 days had now passed since that night and I was still alive, still strong and sure as hell not going to give up now.
So if you are feeling this too, I just want to say: YES there will be bad days, YES you will go through anger, frustration and pain, you will act up, be awkward and difficult, but accept that the sun will rise tomorrow and you will be a day further away from it.
IT IS YOUR CHOICE where you will be and what you will be doing as that sun rises.
Choose well.
Time IS a healer, just maybe not as quick as we'd like sometimes!
Charlotte x
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